A Most Unlikely Duo
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: We were twins. Two halves of the same coin; two parts of a greater whole. Yin and Yang. Light and dark. We came into this world together, and swore that we would leave it, together. Though we have no class, we fight. Not just for our wish, but for our Master. We never go back on our word. So we swear. We will win. Narutoxharem...with a twist. Humor abounds. Vote via review!
1. A Most Unlikely Duo

**A/N: And here you go. Five thousand words, weeks worth of blood sweat, and tears.**

**Could somebody give A Most Unlikely Gunner a read, if you have the time? I worked really hard on that one and so far it seems to be the second-weakest of the bunch...T_T**

**Alright, now that we've gotten that out of the way...**

**WARNING!**

**ALTERNATE UNIVERSE INCOMING!**

**EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, YA SCALLYWAGS!**

**I'll say it right off the bat, this story involves...twins.**

**That's right, Naruto and Naruko, and all the chaos they bring.**

**They also speak a touch differently than what one might expect, FYI.**

**As such, this one is a looooong story, because I wanted you to understand the characters.**

**Really get to like them, you know? Get a feel for their personalities, where they stand all that. And of course, to make you smile.**

**(EDIT: Unfortunately this only has two reviews to speak of at the time of this edit; all that time spent to make this fresh and different and...and...it makes me a little sad...T_T**

** So.**

**People are saying I'm only updating my Fate stories. That I can't do anything else anymore. Excuse. Me? I've updated Son of the Stag, Imperfection, I Am Not the King, A Man of Many Faces, This Silence is Mine, The Empire's Blade, An Angel's Ninja and others over the last month! Hell, "Angel" was the most recent updated of the bunch!**

**WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!**

**I'm trying something...new.**

**Also, heard ya'll like Demon Slayer.**

**There's a BIG honking reference to it here, as a homage of sorts.**

**Can I just say that Nezuko is absolutely adorable and too pure for this world?**

**Out to be bloody obvious, but I won't give it away for the sake of those who don't know.**

**As ever, this will be gone in _two days_ if people don't like it. I'm serious about that, though it pains me.**

**Here, have your classless Servant, your wraith. I promised that, did I not? I don't think anyone's done this before.**

**So let's clarify. Naruto looks almost exactly like himself, only with longer hair and a scratch across his headband. Naruko the same in a sense, but minus the headband. Furthermore, her hair's down and...well****...why not read on and then see for yourself? ****And as you're about to see, they're far, far, FAR from their original selves. But in a good way. As someone who is the oldest of MANY children, I love my siblings to death.**

**One last thing.**

**The "pose" that Naruto strikes in this story?**

**That's pure Jiraiya right there, no ifs-ands-or-buts about it~!**

_"Brother."_

_"Yeah, what?"_

_"My brother. Mine."_

_"Okaaaay? Are you alright-_

_"Yes. Just don't move for now."_

_"Why're ya being so clingy today?"_

_~Twins._

**A Most Unlikely Duo**

_We were twins._

_Naruto and Naruko._

_I had my sister. I had my brother._

_Two halves of the same coin; t__wo parts of a greater whole._

_Yin and Yang. Light and dark. __Not only of the Kyuubi and its chakra, but ourselves. __We came into this world together, and because of that, we were never alone. Not truly. We always had each other, even in our darkest moments. Even when it felt like the world itself was against us. Do you know how much of a blessing that is? To have someone like that? Not an older sibling, nor a younger, but one who is truly yourself? Someone who knows what you're thinking before you even say it, someone who truly understands you on a spiritual level? That was us._

_By the time we were five, we understood how the other worked, how they thought._

_I was always the rash one, prone to pranks and chaos._

_I was calmer. Quieter...more emotional than my brother._

_We saw no distinction between the two. We were simply...us. What one of us was bad at, the other covered. I was better with ninjutsu. She excelled in genjutsu. I was faster. She was stronger. We protected one another, shoring up our faults and guarding one another-believing in each other!-as only children can._

_When no one would feed us, we fed ourselves._

_When no one would teach us, we taught ourselves._

_When no one would show us affection, we cared for ourselves._

_Its easy to hide at first in an orphanage, then later, when we were forced into an apartment of our own. We were young. Small. Little. We looked alike...for awhile. Even when we began to grow, we were careful to try and disguise ourselves as best we could. To make ourselves less of a target. It worked. For twelve years. __We learned first by watching, then by seeing, and eventually by doing things together. We did not develop a foolish crush on a foolish girl. Why would we, when we had each other? We had one another. That was all we needed._

_Then the world began to change._

_Until graduation we had lived for ourselves and each other. We were born together and swore that we would leave the world together or not at all. From the village we had...taken__ whatever we'd needed. Together. All that changed when Mizuki tried to manipulate us. We saw through it. Him. The Scroll, his plot, all of it. We hurt those who tried to hurt us. We hurt him. Made certain we would be together on a team. Together. Just the two of us. Two bodies, one mind. We were clever. We passed the test given us with flying colors and afterwards followed Kakashi-sensei like a pair of shadows._

_I think he pitied us._

_Did he, brother of mine? I wonder about that._

_No, he definitely did. Why else would he let us live with him?_

_Hmm. Perhaps you have a point. Where were we then? I know Mist, came next-_

_Look, sis, are we going to tell this story together or separately? Make up your mind already!_

_Nyeh~!_

_We made allies were we could find them; f__riends, in the most unlikely of places. A boy wearing a mask. Haku. A brash girl who liked to use bells and needles. Kin. __A fiery redhead that swore like a sailor. Tayuya. Others of course, but they were the first. Our first true friends.__ We helped them. We saved them. From our adventures, an unlikely band of rogues began to form. Not quite a band, more a...gang? Is that the word? We never knew why the Third Hokage tolerated us and our growing band of misfits. Perhaps he was simply happy to see us happy. Who can say? We never had a chance to ask._

_With the Chunin Exams, everything changed again._

_The Exams were...unusual for us. We were only two. They were many. If not for Shadow Clones, we might've died time and time again. If not for Sensei's training, we wouldn't have made it out of that forest. But he still taught us well. Perhaps it was because we were the children of his sensei. Perhaps he simply didn't have an Uchiha to focus on this time. Pity. Such a SHAME that one was too ill to enter. The screeching pink demon was never able to take the test as a result, nor the emotionless puppet._

_You had something to do with that, didn't you, sis?_

_I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity of your statement._

_I don't buy it. Don't you think it was a little...too convenient, ya know?_

_Why, we have no idea what you mean, brother of ours! They simply fell ill. __Back to the story!_

_...fine._

_We reached the tower first with both scrolls. In record time at that. With Haku's strength joined to ours, the three of us made quick work of any opposition. We cleared a bloody swathe through the Forest of Death and a certain Snake never came near us during that mad dash. Why would he? His target was the Uchiha, and the Uchiha was most assuredly not here._

_That was where we met Kin._

_My lovable brother fell for her at first sight, sadly._

_What?! I did not! I have no idea what you're talking about!_

_You most certainly DID! Even after you trounced her in your match! You beat her so badly that she cried and THEN you picked her back up! You offered her a place with us! You liiiiiiiiiiiked her! Say I'm wrong! Do it!_

_Gonna play that way, eh? Fine! What about you and__ Gaara? Didn't you fall head over heels for him after-_

_Shut up shut up shut up! Stupid brother! I'll bite you!_

_Alright, alright! Moving on! Despite a few...hiccups, the invasion still happened. __Gaara was unleashed and so were we. Ever seen two foxes and a toad beat a raccoon into the ground? Yet empathy__ stayed our hands, and rather than another victim, we made a lifelong friend. __Then everything fell apart when the Snake killed the old man._

_We tried to stop him, we really did._

_Have you fought a Sanin before? Its like fighting a storm. Impossible to win. As a Genin? All the training in the world couldn't have prepared us for that. We raced back to help him, but we couldn't do anything. Even with Jiraiya backing us up. All of our training meant nothing to one such as Orochimaru. We were an ant leaping into a maelstrom. It was a miracle we survived at all. We...We had to watch. __We liked the old man. He had been good to us, despite opinions to the contrary. We loved him like a grandfather. We didn't want him to die. We cried for him. Mourned him._

_We were still promoted to Chunin in the aftermath somehow, but that was the least of our worries._

_The villagers had _seen _the fox-both halves of it!-and the old man wasn't around to assuage their worries._

_Even his successor wasn't truly able to tamp down on all that anger and distrust, not truly; if she had, it never would've come to this._

_When Sasuke left months later, we gave chase with a squad of our own. We fought through his guards and hunted him down. At the Valley of the End we__ fought that two-timing, traitorous Uchiha to the bitter finale...and we killed him. Had it merely been one against one, the outcome would've remained uncertain. But we are never alone. We ganged up on him. Blinded him. Tore him apart. Many hated us for it-the pink one especially-but we did what had to be done. We did not hesitate. We used all of our power and brought him down. We managed to save Tayuya at least, so it wasn't a total wash._

_That's when it happened; we began to lose ourselves. We went...feral._

_Too many fights, too much power, too much tainted chakra. _

_No. __That's not right, __sis._

_**You** lost herself._

_Not me._

_Hey!_

_I blocked her mouth with a piece of bamboo bound to a red cord and held her until she calmed down. She seemed to like that, so she kept the damn thing. Started wearing it all the time. Maybe it was something for her to bite down on. She gets...stressed without it, ya know? If I take it off, she goes berserk. Sometimes its slow; she'll be able to talk for a bit. Other times she'll just fly into a rage. Sometimes I have to sing to her just to calm her down when she takes it off. Trust me, you **don't** want to hear me sing. I'm awful. I could etch glass when I try to pitch my voice that high. __Still, it kept her safe._

_...yes. You saved me._

_C'mon, it was nothing. I would've done it for anyone._

_No, you wouldn't. You did it for me. __I repaid the favor, didn't I?_

_So she saved me. __And thus, I saved him. Funny how one good turn makes the world go around._

_We trained under Jiraiya and learned what it meant to be a sage. When he crawled back from Rain missing an arm, we chewed his ear off for days. If the old man was a grandfather to us and Sensei was...well, sensei, of course, then that made the old pervert an uncle. Family. We PROTECTED family._

_Us._

_Them._

_A city._

_A town._

_A village._

_A country._

_A world, even._

_Until the latter turned on us. _

_We'd gone too far. Become too powerful. Many loved us, but more hated us. Feared us. So we left. Fled, with those we called our friends and family. Found others like us. Outcasts. Exiles. Even other jinchuuriki. Made a place of our own, with our own. With those that remained. Those that had not been hunted. We made peace. Our own little community. Though the villages searched for us-for each of us!-they never found us. We were too secure, too careful, too well hidden. No, they never found us, for we did not let them. They. Never. Found us._

_Akatsuki did._

_We fought them._

_They lost to us. Badly._

_We had the dying Uchiha to thank for that. He surprised us; turning on his comrades in the thick of things. We used him well. With his help, t__he masked man was easy to trick; with our numbers we swarmed him until he finally made a mistake. One swing of Uchiha Itachi's sword sealed him in an endless illusion pocket dimension, forever. And the rest of them unraveled like bad yarn._

_The false god we overwhelmed, all of us. We blasted each of his bodies until only stains remained._

_The black plant we painstakingly uprooted, body, mind and soul. He plotted no more._

_The fishman had his head torn off as we took his sword for ourselves._

_The undead we scattered to the winds, never to return._

_The paper woman froze in a maze of looming ice._

_The bomber was crushed in a coffin of sand._

_The zombie burned alive in holy hellfire. _

_The puppet we shattered completely._

_We won. All our adversaries lay dead or dying at our feet. Now we rest. Now we will raise our family in peace. The Demon of the Gate, they began to call us-for we never let the enemy past that arch. Never allowed them up the mountain pass. We held the line. We held the gate. They crashed upon us like waves breaking against the shore, and they did not pass. We have no class, no designation. We simply...are. We guard the gate. We will keep the path. Nothing else matters. Only us._

_This is our home. Our world._

_Let our enemies come._

_You shall not pass._

* * *

(...0o0o0...)

* * *

_Caster was not having a good evening._

Actually, scratch that. She wanted to hurl herself from the temple steps and dash her head against the stones.

No, no! She couldn't do that! If she was dead then she wouldn't be able to be with Souichirou. Bad Medea! Bad! None of that!

Marshaling the tattered threads of her thoughts, the elusive Caster willed herself to step away from the circle she'd created and regard her abject failure.

Not only had she failed, but she'd done in such a spectacular fashion that she genuinely didn't know how to react beyond wiping the slate clean and starting over. The false Command Spells she'd fashioned for herself did nothing to ease her fears, nor the sight that stretched out before her. It boggled Caster's mind; because she hadn't been trying to summon this. She'd sought a guard for the gate leading to her temple, a pseudo-Servant of sorts, preferably one who excelled in physical combat, the better offset her own poor physical skills.

Indeed, she'd thought herself clever.

By using the Greater Grail to circumvent a loophole in the summoning system-as it had yet to summon Assassin-she had hoped to stack the deck in her favor. Having another ally would be dead useful. And yet she felt no tug on her energy-or the leyline she'd claimed-whatsoever, which in turn, led her to believe she'd brought naught but a weakling into the world.

_How little she knew._

"Good evening!" a young man's voice flooded the night as the smoke continued to clear. "You called us?"

_Us?_

Medea opened her mouth to refute such a claim-

And her world turned scarlet.

_Red._

Her noble reply dissolved into a startled shriek as a pair of towering kitsune burst out of the smoke with a wordless roar to bare their fangs in her face. One light, the other dark. Had she possessed a full set of wits-and wasn't busy screaming-she would've seen through the illusion; would've realized they were little more than a ghastly apparition of crimson light molded into the shape of a skull than the actual entity. Unfortunately, she did not and the sight of them nevertheless knocked her back on her hindquarters. Sucking in a sharp breath between her teeth, she flailed for Ruler Breaker in a desperate attempt to defend her very soul, only to watch the fox-skulls be sucked back into the void when she looked at it.

_'What have I unleashed?'_

As if awaiting that very thought, the arcane haze began to clear, revealing what-who!-she'd summoned.

She glimpsed two unassuming individuals, but the first had her gaping.

What was with that ridiculous _kabuki_ pose?!

First she noticed the young man with his legs spread apart and arm thrust forward; a beaming teenager clad in a hideous orange-black jumpsuit over which he'd thrown a crimson coat. Blue eyes framed by whiskered cheeks set in a handsome face, framed by a shaggy mop of blond hair only loosely held back by a tattered headband. That might have been a leaf insignia, once. Before someone carved a flat line across it. All things considered he looked extraordinary...ordinary, at a glance. But. _But!_ She saw the massive sword hanging from his back like the prized trophy it was. One could even say its long bandaged length lent a great deal of weight toward his appearance and thus caused her to immediately reassess her previous opinion.

That was _before _the young man glanced over his shoulder and started prodding someone behind him with his elbow.

"Don't by shy, sis." he nudged the shadow lurking well within his own. "Introduce yourself."

A young woman's face appeared over his back, badly startling Caster.

It certainly did nothing to dissuade her doubts!

The woman was another matter.

She had some sort of strange bamboo gag pressed tightly into her mouth, its fine red cord wrapped tight around her own whiskered visage, to then flow toward the back of her head. Its color stood in a sharp contrast to the black haori-jacket!-worn over the mystifying orange getup she wore. Unlike her companion, she wore no such headband, instead opting to leave her tan forehead bare. Yet those wide eyes were different somehow. Brighter. Almost unnaturally so. Her hair was smooth as silk-almost made her jealous really-cascading down her back in a golden wave. She looked almost harmless by comparison. Were it not for her own sixth sense _shrieking otherwise, _Medea might've been tempted to lower her guard.

As it stood, she was only made all the more wary by her unassuming appearance. Just what had she summoned?

And why did the young man seem so familiar? Almost as if she'd met him before...

"Naruto and Naruko Uzumaki at your service." the young man flashed her a sunny smile as he abandoned his pose. "Thanks for summoning us. Feels good to be alive again. So! What do you need?"

"Oh." Medea managed eloquently, before her brain rebooted itself.

She laid out what she intended for them in no uncertain terms; at the end of it all, the unlikely duo tilted their heads.

"That's it?" Naruto blinked. "You just want us guard this entrance?"

"I mean sure, we can do that, but this...this is weird." the young man continued with a hum, scratching the back of his head, heedless of her confusion. "We're not quite a Servant, but I'm pretty sure _you _are. What _does that make us, _then? Assassin? I don't feel like an Assassin." his shoulders rolled, jostling the great weight that was Samehada on his back. "Don't much feel like a Saber, either. Any ideas, sis? Remember, blink once for yes, twice for no." he turned his squinting gaze on his sibling, with all the air of an expectant parent. Rather than reply, his companion offered a mute shrug and brought her blazing blue eyes to bear on the still-stunned sorcerer.

Quick as a whip, the smaller of the two stepped forward and stretched out a hand...

The Witch of Colchis tensed, expecting an attack of some sort.

...and faltered as she patted her head.

Hers was a gentle touch; that smooth palm idly gliding-tracing across her pale hair. For a moment, just a moment, Caster couldn't bring herself to move. That innocent guileless gaze grew on her like a charm, rooted her; prevented her from immediately lashing out and shoving the girl away as she otherwise might have. When she finally managed to wriggle free and get the girl at arm's length, it was half-hearted at best. Even then the young woman kept trying to reach up and touch her cheek, humming insistently despite Medea's best efforts to escape.

"W-What are you doing?!" she flailed. "Get off me!"

Naruto beamed. "You're lucky. She likes you."

Medea bristled. "Excuse me?!"

Planting both hands in his pockets, the blond arched an eyebrow. "If she didn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Something deep inside Medea bridled at the insult. "How so?"

_**"You'd be dead."**_

Naruto hadn't spoken just now, she realized.

The voice was hoarse, yet feminine and it clearly belonged to another.

Glancing down, she found herself gazing into Naruko's unclouded eyes, glimpsing her sharpened teeth.

Thankfully the little blond replaced the bamboo just as quickly as she'd removed it; then her brother stepped forward quickly to bind her mouth and seal it once more. Medea restrained a shudder at the sight. Her Servant-no, wraith, more like-made no threat; it was a statement, a promise, a surety, as sure as if they were discussing an oncoming storm. A scarlet spark flickered through her eyes-like the illusion she'd glimpsed before-only this time it was real. Terribly, horribly real. Gods above, if they actually tried to kill her, she might not even be able to...!

"Right, then!" Naruto's hands collided in a sharp pop of sound and his sister skipped back to him, ending the standoff as quickly as it had began. "You summoned us, and Naruko here likes you, so we've got your back."

Without another word, the duo turned and began to climb the steps leading to the temple.

Mildly put out, Medea hastened after them.

"Just like that?"

"Yup." his smile didn't falter in the least when she moved to match their stride. "We're loyal to those who take care of us, for the most part. Don't betray us, and we wont betray you, ya know?" slim shoulders rolled in an easy shrug. "So long as you're good to us, we'll be good to you as well." Naruko prodded him mutely and he pursed his lips for a moment before considering the matter anew. "Oh! Food would be nice too, I suppose."

His questions stretched into the air between them and the witch found herself face-palming silently.

"You're not strictly alive. You don't need to eat." Medea put in, utterly incredulous.

"Neither do you." the other half of the wraith pointed out. "We still like it."

Naruko hummed softly and began patting his head in return.

Naruto began to fidget, trying to squirm away.

"Oi, stop that, will you?"

For a moment, Medea almost considered refusing their request, if only out of petty spite for all the trouble they'd caused her thus far. Her "guards" frightened her. They were clearly capable of more than they let on-or possessed Independent Action of a significant rank at the very least-and didn't seem to have any qualms about their task. That didn't mean they could be wholly trusted, however. In the end, she thought better of it. No need to antagonize her new ally outright. Better to keep them happy; after all, was it not better to lead with the carrot rather than the stick?

...fair enough." she relented with a petulant sigh. "I'll see that the monks provide you with something."

Naruto snapped off a snarky salute, and after a moment, Naruko mirrored him.

"You got it. We'll kill anyone who comes through here. Don't worry."

"Confident, aren't you?" she snapped archly at his jest.

At that, the blond finally deigned to face her fully.

"This was our home, once upon a time." a small, sardonic smile quirked the corner of his mouth, bringing with it another strange pang she couldn't recall. Blast! Why did this feel so familiar?! "Our fame was well known here, and as such, we're at our peak on this mountain, you know?" Naruto's voice plucked her back to reality and quite suddenly she realized he was kneeling, _actually kneeling _to take her hand in his own. "We'll defend this place, and you, until our dying breath. You have our word. And we never go back on our word." a fist pounded his chest. "Leave it to us, boss."

_Boss?_

Medea actually blinked at that.

To have someone swear to protect her...how quaint.

A small, slow smile blossomed on the witch's pristine visage.

_Well, well, well. Perhaps I might actually win this time around...!_

**A/N: ****As ever, this will be gone in _two days_ if people don't like it. I'm serious about that, though it pains me.**

**You might get their actual life story in A Most Unlikely Collection if its well-liked enough. Naruto's a bit of an imp to begin with, more so with a sister egging him on.**

**There.**

**Naruto/Naruko summoned by Medea.**

**With EX Ranked Indepent Action. They aren't bound to a set location-though Medea would love to keep them there-and are free to do as they see fit. As far as skills go, Battle Continuation, Eye of the Mind (True) and Madness Enhancment-when Naruko removes her bamboo gag-as well as a host of others. I'd be more than happy to list them in a PM if you like. ****Unfortunately they also have, a very bad case of EXTREME codependency to the point that they're a mess with out the other. No Game No Life would be a good example of this.**

**As ever, this will be gone in _two days_ if people don't like it. I'm serious about that, though it pains me.**

**Also, just about every spot here's open here, considering, so by all means, cast your votes via review...and pity Medea for the madness that is to come.**

**Technically, our two blonds could be called a Gatekeeper of sorts, now that I think about it. Oh, well. A Most Unlikely Duo just has a better ring to it. ****TWO MORE! Master!Naruto on the moon, and then Moon Cancer! Then I can finally open the floodgates and unleash the updates.**

**Again, Demon Slayer was a heavy inspiration for Naruto and her appearance and I don't own jack.**

**And of course Naruko took a liking to Medea straight away.**

**Poor Caster has no idea what's she's in for.**

**Naruko is MEANT to remind you all of Nezuko. Consider it a homage of sorts. In this case, both brother and sister are so tightly intertwined in one another's legend that they're literally regarded as one entity, even though when aren't. They're also hideously powerful together, but weak apart.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones!**

**(Previews!)**

_Caster balked, regarding the ruined crater that had once been a Servant. _

_"Wait. You can LEAVE the gate?"_

_"'Course we can!" Naruto snorted._

_Medea smiled. __It was not a pleasant smile. _

_"You don't say~! Would you like to go for a walk, then~?"_

_This time, when the twins moved to high-five her, she met them half way._

_She quickly turned that innocent gesture into a crushing embrace for each of them._

_"Oh, my precious little dears~!" she cooed. "We're going to get along swimmingly, you and I~!"_

* * *

_...family."_

_"Why...is she cuddling with me?!"_

_Naruto shrugged. "I DID say she likes you, ya know."_

* * *

_Gilgamesh__ growled low and deep in his throat at their stubborn silence. __"Stand aside, curs."_

_Naruto simply reached back and plucked the gag free from his sibling's mouth._

_The King of Heroes glimpsed sharp teeth and bright red eyes._

_And for a moment, he felt...fear._

_Naruko absolutely hissed._

_Her brother smiled._

**_"Sic 'em."_**

* * *

_Lancer nearly lost a hand._

_They made it all of three steps up before a crimson blur tackled them._

_The Twins began to writhe and shift, their bodies turning crimson. Tails bloomed as the madness overtook them._

_Lancer had all of half a second to swear before they barreled down at them._

**R&R~!**


	2. A Most Unlikely Demise

**A/N: So.**

**Folks are saying I'm afraid to kill off characters.**

**X_X**

**Well. Some people should be careful what they wish for.**

** I hope folks like this, it was a right and proper pain in the arse to write. I don't LIKE to hurt the characters I write, but sometimes shit happens. The deaths and drama come hot and heavy after this, so I do hope you've prepared yourself. I'm not talking minor deaths like Shinji or some random passerby on the street. This is but the first of many.**

**Well, I'm off to work another double, so I look forward to chatting with you all later.**

**As ever, I own no references, quotes, or relations to any respective media.**

**I just like to play around with words. 'Tis a simple talent.**

**One last thing.**

_**A Most Unlikely Berserker is coming.**_

**Really, I thought that was obvious given that I update Caster a few days ago.**

**Why the delay, you ask? ****Why, its elementary dear Watson! ****Its my baby, and I've rewritten the bloody thing five times.**

**Now the final rewrite is finally where I want to be, and it's been gaining more and more steam each day. I hope you're looking forward to it.**

**Thought I forgot about that old chap, did you? Nope. There's a reason I've held it back this long. Freaking things so long I've had to split it up into pieces and arcs; don't even get me started on the deaths and all the shenanigans ahead. Trust me when I say y****ou are not prepared for what I have in store in that story. By the time its finished, you're either going to laugh or cry. Maybe even both once we get to-whoops! Thar be spoilers. Almost ruined a surprise.**

**Ah, but you came here for Duo, didn't you?**

**How rude of me to keep you waiting.**

**Lets jump right in, shall we?!**

**Quote below is a hint:**

_"The things I do for my Master."_

_"Just get your lazy butt moving, Archer!"_

_"Fine, fine, you needn't be so pushy about it."_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Demise**

_Archer was not having a pleasant evening._

It had begun after a particularly bitter argument with Rin this morning and piqued tonight when she ordered him to charge headlong up the mountain like a madman. Now, Emiya was no fool. Bitter, angry, longing for the sweet release of oblivion, but he wasn't stupid. He knew exactly who was lurking up there, smug as a cat with a canary in her mouth. Of course, and he'd tried to argue against it without divulging details about the varied timelines. Indeed, he'd done his best to persuade Tohsaka that this was a bad idea. A terrible, horrible idea. He didn't much relish the idea of facing Medea on her home turf.

When he refused, Rin used her second Command Spell to make him obey.

Now as he ran headlong into the jaws of death, EMIYA found himself seriously questioning his life choices.

Something was wrong with this timeline; everyone was too high strung, too emotional. Events were twisted around, playing out in odd directions in ways they shouldn't have.

For starters, he hadn't encountered Lancer that first night. Instead he found himself facing off against some kind of crazed lucha-libre-loving Rider who enjoyed supplexing him into the ground entirely too much for his own liking. Despite that crazed battle, his younger self never appeared, which meant he wasn't chased down to that shed, which meant Saber hadn't been summoned yet. He knew what her energy signature felt like. And as a direct result of all this catastrophe, he hadn't been able to find-or kill!-his younger self. No, something _had_ gone wrong somewhere, but he couldn't figure out where or what. And it. Infuriated. Him.

EMIYA needed to vent.

Someone to take his frustrations out on.

Problem was, he was fairly certain Medea would kill him.

Damn witch was near invincible so long as she stayed in that temple of hers.

Yet the Command Spell bound his limbs; shackling him to this path. _Climb the mountain and defeat the Servant there._ He had no doubt that Tohsaka-whom he honestly didn't like in this timeline-was following somewhere further back on the steps just to make sure he didn't wriggle out of this. That was another thing that concerned him. Rin was...colder in this timeline. Not quite as vibrant. Less sass and more anger. Was that damned priest to blame for this? Had he done something to her? Or worse, had she actually become just like-

"Hey, there!" a voice called.

For the first time in his un-life, Emiya was grateful for being interrupted. He dearly didn't want to finish that thought about Kirei actually raising Rin.

Oh.

Wait.

Too late.

"OI! I'm talking to you!"

Really, he was feeling downright irritable by the time he finally met resistance.

...that definitely wasn't Sasaki. Which was good he supposed; as the man was murderously difficult in a fight.

When he found someone waiting for him on the mountain, he almost expected the pseudo-assassin. Instead he found a young man clad in a crimson hoodie and blue jeans sitting on the steps only yards ahead, miserably awaiting his arrival. He would've run right past them too, if they had not stood up at the last moment and delivered a bonecrushing kick to his ribs. What a kick! How could someone like that actually manage to...oh. Wait. Servant. Right. He'd almost forgotten.

"Don't suppose I could ask you to leave?" the boy yawned as Emiya tumbled back down the steps below him. "Its late and I really don't feel up to this at the moment."

Arresting his momentum, the crimson Archer clamored back to his feet. He knew at once that he wouldn't climbing these steps without a fight; in all honesty, a part of him relished the opportunity. He needed to carve his wrath into someone and he needed to do it now. Barring that, they could at least kill him and eject him from this twisted timeline. Really. It was the least he could do.

"I would," he offered a rueful grin, "But I've got this pesky Command Spell on me."

The blond granted him a sympathetic smile. "Well, that's awfully unfortunate for you, then."

"How so?"

A silent tremor ran through his shoulders.

"I've been away from my sister too long, you see." he idly paused, picking at a fingernail. "It makes me...jittery."

"I'll make you a counteroffer, then. Emiya retorted, settling into a low stance. "Move, and I won't carve you up like a turkey."

"Fair enough." he sighed. "Let me ask you another question, then."

Scarred palms rose slowly from that battered hoodie.

**"Do you wanna have a bad time?"**

Emiya stiffened at those words.

It wasn't just the phrase itself that bothered the apathetic Archer, it wasn't even those burning slits-for-eyes, nor that leering grin "Naruto" wore; because in that moment the boy's shadow loomed far larger than it should; a ghastly, inhuman thing more kitsune than human, writhing and twisting with each passing moment. There one moment, gone the next. Still, the young man made no move to descend the steps. Nor did he attempt to meet him. Rather he stood firm and fast, not giving an inch. He held the high ground and they both knew it. Emiya blinked and the boy's shadow snapped back, but now his body looked...wrong somehow.

**"Because," **Blue eyes bulged with barely restrained glee, as he dropped down on all fours. **"I******f** you take one more step forward, buddy...**

Part of his face was peeling away now, reluctantly granting a glimpse of the crimson creature within.

**"You are really, really, _REALLY_ not gonna like what happens next."**

Grimacing, the crimson Archer readied his chant.

Then, dreading what came next, he moved.

_And his world erupted into red light._

* * *

_(...Further Up the Mountain..)_

* * *

_"Hey! That tickles, mama!"_

"It wouldn't if you stopped fidgeting."

Naruko grumbled morosely. "S'not my fault...

Medea clicked her tongue as her fingers wound through the golden curtain that was her familiar's hair, painstakingly weaving it into a loose braid. Inwardly, she fought down a small, secret smile as she continued her work and threaded the protective charm into the girl's golden tresses. Oh, my sweet, precious little dear! You're going to look fabulous when I'm done with you! She wasn't laughing. No. Not at all. Not in the least. She certainly didn't want to glomp this tiny bundle of joy sitting in her lap as she braided her hair, but it was a near thing indeed.

She had a weakness for all things cute and a week a spent with the Most Unlikely Duo had made it all the more poignant.

Now, Naruko-and her brother-wasn't small by any means, yet she couldn't help but think of her so.

Framed in the waning light of the setting she continued her work.

Once more the witch bit back the urge to hum happily.

They were such good children!

They came whenever she called, always washed for dinner, and at least one of them was ever within arms reach at all times. They were downright pleasant to her Souichirou. They took their task of guarding her seriously in all things. They even called her mother sometimes. Without the bamboo gag, Naruko had proven downright chatty when she wanted to be. Granted, speaking increased the chances of her going berserk, but Medea was a master magician that would make the mages of this era green with envy. Nullifying it, however briefly, was child's play for one such as her.

Was this what domestic life felt like?

Surely it must be so.

It blew her previous wish right out of the water.

Medea had come into this war expecting to find a self-serving Master waiting for her. And she had. So she'd killed him. Rather than fade away, she'd found a second chance with Souichirou Kuzuki. She had thought that all her good luck would evaporate right then and there. Instead she'd managed to summon these two; now they were more dear to her than life itself. She would gladly die for this. For that smile-no. She would _fight _for it. She would _live _for it as long and hard as she could. And if anyone tried to take it from her...!

"Mama?"

A soft tug on Medea's sleeve drew her away from her daydream as she glanced down.

"Hmm? What is it, dear?"

Those coal blue eyes were bright as diamonds. "Someone just breached the perimeter."

Ah.

Another attack again.

It seemed this one, whomever they were, had actually decided to commit this time around. Good. They finally mustered up some semblance of determination and she would gladly rip it from them. Speaking of determined parties, they seemed to be missing someone.

"Where's your brother?" she asked as a distant explosion rocked the mountain.

Naruko wrinkled her nose in mild annoyance. "Down the mountain. He left a clone behind to keep me sane."

"Wait, doesn't that mean he'll run into the-

"YEARGH?!"

As though waiting for that very statement, the sibling in question sailed up the steps and crashed into the ground at their feet. If Medea hadn't better she would've thought the poor boy long dead; he certainly resembled human pincushion. Seven days had taught her otherwise. Unless his spiritual core was destroyed, he could recover from just about anything. Now?

She merely arched an eyebrow "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." he croaked weakly.

"Good." she sniffed, giving him a nudge with her foot. "That's what you get for charging in ahead without backup. Now apologize to your sister, young man."

Blue eyes rolled, but he didn't deny her. "Yes mooooom."

Medea wasn't happy to hear that. No. Not at all. _Dirty liar,_ a voice deep inside her heart whispered. _You love it._ Sarcasm aside, anyone who called her mother instantly earned her undying affection. And these two were so well-behaved at that; she hadn't even needed to waste a Command Spell on them. She didn't expect that she'd have to.

Propping himself up, Naruto swore softly.

"Damnit, that thing's not an Archer at all. Its a freaking meat grinder. C'mere, sis."

With a put-upon sigh, the teenager wrapped the rest of her braid herself and hopped off Medea's lap. Then she paused and gave their Caster an oddly anxious look.

"You can...repair the mountain, right?" she asked. "Fix whatever we break?"

Medea sputtered. "Yes, but its not that simple-

"Great!" Naruto gave her a mild grin. "That's good to know."

Naruko favored her with an impish smile as well. "Because everything's about to be on fire."

"Wait, what?!"

"Sorry, not sorry!"

With that, the beaming blond bounded over to her twin, gave a happy chirp, and clasped his left outstretched hand in her own.

"Shall we use _that, _oh brother of mine?"

"Fine be me."

Their shared grin was terror to behold.

And their right hands rose.

Nothing happened.

At first, Medea wondered if the twins were playing a practical joke, a trick of sorts as they stretched their fingers into the sky and beseeched the heavens. She was just about to tell them to cease this foolishness; to stop playing around and go on the tack when she felt the wind pick up.

_Then she heard it._

The sound began as a faint whine at first, little more than a vapid breeze on the air. You had to focus to hear it, really truly listen. Then, like a gathering storm, it began to swell. A tiny pinprick of azure radiance that grew between their palms; little more than a firefly of light at first. Even then it didn't become terribly large, little more than the size of a golf ball.

And so they spoke.

_"I beseech the fire."_ Naruko intoned first.

Abruptly sphere doubled in size.

_"I beseech the wind."_ Naruto mirrored her words next.

Now it began to triple.

_"I call for destruction."_

Quadrupled, even.

_"I call for salvation."_

So that was it. An aria. Little more than a chant to help them focus and stabilize their thoughts; all the better to create...whatever this was. What had once been blue now began to burn red, then briefly violet as scarlet mingled with sapphire, followed by a burning amber as the colors held within writhed and mixed with one another like some sordid painting.

Naruko took pause for a moment, then continued. _"Let there be death."_

Once more, her twin matched her effortlessly._ "Let there be life."_

Their voices began to blur, the words come fast, faster fastest.

_"The gate calls for flame. Lets put them all to shame. Death. Life! A world filled with strife!"_

As they spoke the elements united together in seething chaos.

_"Let our will be done. We are one!"_

And the world was bathed in orange glow.

Now that the chant had finished Medea found she could focus properly on the emerging creation; an evergrowing sphere rimmed by rings of circular blades, thousands of microscopic needless lurking within. Only their will kept them all from clashing with one another; so Medea did see with her mind's eye.

This was no divine mystery from the age of the gods, no miracle given form by a higher power.

It was pure death. Destruction incarnate. Bound by their Determination alone, fit to burst at the slightest provocation.

_Then they tossed it._

Perhaps wind and fire mixed a little TOO well in retrospect; because the Rasenshuriken didn't so much glide as it did soar high into the air. It reached the apex of its arc just as a streak of red crested the lower half of the staircase and all but lunged into view. In that moment Medea glimpsed white hair and a tan face that felt oddly familiar to her. So too were the mismatching white-and-black shortswords in each hand.

"Here he comes!" Naruto bit out.

"Duck and cover!" his sibling growled back.

To his credit, Emiya saw the oncoming attack and raised a hand.

Even from this distance, she heard him speak, even it dropped like a falling star.

"Rho Aias!"

A pale blooming lotus of seven petals blossomed in the wake of his arm.

Too little, too late.

Their rasenshuriken didn't strike Archer's barrier when it finally burst; rather, the attack devoured the total concept of the shield itself. Flame burgeoned by wind boiled over them in a wave of oppressive heat and light so devastating that Medead didn't truly see the impact as much as she felt it. Blazing fury detonated like a nuclear warhead, shattering servant and shield alike in a wave of searing plasma. Thousands upon thousands of raw and cutting chakra needles pierced and eviscerated whatever the initial blaze failed to consume.

A rush of hot air shot up the steps, snapping Medea's cowl away from her face in the ensuing shockwave.

As the smoke cleared, she saw the horror of what she'd unwittingly unleashed.

There was nothing left of the lower steps after all.

Just a great gaping crater in the earth.

At the edge of said crater.

There he lay.

What remained of Archer-mostly his upper torso-was sprawled at the edge of that still glowing crater, face down in the mud. Bleak bile rose in the witch's throat as she surveyed their handiwork, but also some semblance of pride as she watched his body begin to crumble away into fading azure dust. Well. That had been easy-

And he struck.

Even in his final moments Archer still tried to take her head, flinging his broken swords at her in one last desperate gambit.

A yelp filled the air, but it didn't belong to her.

Instead the baffled witch found herself shoved back as her Duo thrust themselves between her and the final blow, their bodies as they took the attack meant for her. Yes, they intercepted the blades flawlessly, without so much as a protest on their part. She hadn't even needed to order her pawns...nor had she wanted to. She had unleashed them and they gave the enemy no mercy at all.

No. Not her pawns. Her children.

In this moment she couldn't bear to think of them as anything else.

By rights, she should be proud. This was an overwhelming victory for her.

And yet why did she feel so miserable about it?

"Tch." Archer scoffed ruefully as he tumbled back to the ground. "Looks like I missed-

He never got to finish that sentence as Medea rammed a pillar of violent violet light through his chest with a shriek. Then another. And another. Another still. Another. Five blasts rang out into the night, each one harsher than the last with ruthless abandon; they didn't stop until she was wholly certain he was dead. Only then did she lower a trembling arm; only then did she see the last of him crumble away in the breeze. Even then Medea blasted those to make certain he had absolutely no chance of rising again.

Only then did she remember her charges.

The three of them stood in stoic silence for a long moment.

Then the Twins turned to face Medea and her hands snapped up to cover her mouth.

Bathed in the ruddy red light of burning earth and stone, she saw the blade lodged in Naruto's collarbone, and the white spike of a sword jutting through Naruko's left thigh. Those weren't mortal wounds by any means, but they looked...painful. Unbidden, she found herself approaching the two of them. She had to get the blades out, but they were already doing that themselves; by the time she'd reached them the twins had already torn the last of the sundered steel from their bodies, uncaring of the gaping wounds they left behind. Did they truly not care about their own well-being?

She clicked her tongue softly and began to heal them.

"Well," Naruto gave a rusty chuckle at this, "That oughta do it."

Naruko limped over to her as well, eager for praise as she crept closer. "Did we do good, mama?"

Medea's heart lurched.

Children shouldn't possess this kind of power; yes, she realized, that was what they were to her. Children. Teens thought they were, she could no longer consider the two of them pawns after witnessing...that. They had taken a blow meant for her. Hurt themselves. For her. Idiots. Bitter thoughts consumed her. No one should die for her. She wasn't worth it. And yet...

They thought she was.

Gods above. These two were willing to die for her.

How long had it been since she'd found someone willing to do that. Of their own volition, no less! With that poignant thought, the last tiny stubborn shred of pride Medea had been clinging onto all this time turned itself to bitter ashes in her grasp. And so she was lost.

Sobbing softly, tears streaming down her face, the witch drew the two of them close.

"Yes, my dears." she whispered. "You were magnificent."

**A/N: There.**

**Emiya's dead. Completely.**

**And Medea is utterly, wholly besotted with her kids.**

**Lets face it; they had a week to win her over before the fights started.**

**Our crazy little witch never stood a chance against their charms from the beginning.**

**I mean, they may be teenagers, but anyone willing to take a hit for her earns high marks in her book.**

**Just because I don't often kill people in the opening acts, people complain. ****I suppose you can't please everyone, but I still want to make people happy. That seems to be a flaw with me. I like to see smiles, to know that I made the world a better place with**

**Duo!Naruto/Naruko are both a treat to write.**

**As ever, this will be taken down in _two days_ if people don't like it. So by all means dear readers, do let me know what you think! ****This story's been quite a long time in coming-on the backburner for a while indeed-and it'll have some fan favorites...**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...review, would you kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**You want more pain?!**

**Fine. Here. Have it~!**

**Is this enough?!**

**(Previews)**

_"I don't feel so god..._

* * *

_Berserker howled._

_It was a sound of such heartbreak that Medea felt something in her shatter._

* * *

_"Ay! Stop, stop stop!" Quetzalcoatl waved her hands emphatically! "I come in peace! Peace, do you hear me?! Big sister comes in peace!"_

_Naruto's head popped up over the barrier. "Why should we trust you?"_

* * *

_"Look, kid. I don't want to fight you. Just take my hand, okay? I'll take you back to your brother."_

_She shook her head and stepped back from him. __"No! Stay away! I'm not...I can't..._

_"Oi! Calm down! I'm not going to-_

**_"I SAID STAY AWAY!"_**

_Cu didn't even have time to gasp as a clawed__ hand tore through his chest and found his heart. He didn't curse them. Didn't condemn them. He just...coughed. Red eyes widened in surprise as a thin line of blood ran down the corner of hi. Even here, at the end, he had believed in her. He hadn't thought she would attack her. Too late, the berserk blond realized what she'd done. Gasping, she tore her palm free and stumbled away._

_"No...no...I didn't mean to...!"_

**R&R! =D**


	3. A Most Unlikely Big Sister (Interlude)

**A/N: Yup, still updating the "A Most Unlikely" series. I've been quite the busy beaver in that regard.**

**Working out the kinks here and there -really need to update some of these author notes- but I can safely say everything's back on track for the most part. I've finally healed up enough to crank all of these tales out at a semi-regular pace, but I've got another surgery coming up soon too...**

***shudders at the thought***

**In other news, folks have been asking about my team and who they really are. Its not all that complicated. We're a group of like minded individuals who occasionally come together to collaborate on story ideas, requests, and the like. Unfortunately the Coronavirus has taken some of us, while others have since moved on due to real life issues, but the core group still remains.**

**Yup, Medea's spawn camping like a pro in this story, much to the chagrin of her enemies.**

**Why would she want to leave a fortified position? Literally every remaining Servant has to come her way with Archer gone and Rider now an ally. Our favorite witch is at her absolute peak so long as she remains stays within her temple. With Naruto/Naruko guarding her, nothing short of *redacted* or *redacted* are going to get to her, nevermind freaking *redacted* and the like. I've removed the names of course, a writer has to keep some secrets...**

**You can tell me and my mates had fun writing this.**

**After this particular character is easily one of our favorite in the Fate series as a whole.**

_"Hola~! Buenas noches~! I've come to play, yes~!_

_~A Strange Goddess._

**A Most Unlikely Big Sister (Interlude)**

_Rider considered herself a simple woman._

She liked what she liked, and disliked what she didn't.

For instance, she liked to fight, liked to drink, and _loved_ to wrestle. She also liked her Master. Such a sweet girl, that Sakura; such a pure soul. She loathed hurting others when she didn't have to, but she had more than enough power to break some bones if someone pushed her too far. Still, she was an innocent underneath it all. Like a younger sibling.

Her second master...had not been such.

Sakura had disliked the idea of violence so much that she'd chosen not to fight altogether; instead she'd passed the baton to her brother Shinji so that he might fight in her stead. Nasty little lech. Rider hadn't liked that. Nope. Not one bit. So she killed him. Snapped his neck right and proper. Oh, she'd been sure to do it away from the Matou household, been careful to make it look like an accident, yes. She'd said a Servant slew him. Poor unfortunate soul! So sad! What a shame! Sakura was better off without him.

Now with her _proper_ Master restored once more left Rider was left to do as she pleased. So long as she left some boy named "Shirou" be, she was free to pick and choose her fights as she pleased.

Sakura had plenty of mana to begin with. Loads of it. With Archer's death, she held even more. Hmm. That was a troubling thought. She'd have to do something about that old worm before more Servants perished. Her Master was a good girl, but that _thing _hiding inside was vile. It needed to be cut out somehow, safely, in such a way wasn't sure what her master would become. That required a better understanding of magic, one that she lacked.

Which brought Quetzalcoatl here, to the temple.

She climbed the steps one at a time, taking them at her leisure as she basked in the evening air. There was no need to hurry; Zouken wasn't going to make his move until more Servants fell, and _she_ had yet to decide if she even wanted to fight tonight or not.

And why should she?

Precious little could threaten her in this war anymore. It wasn't arrogant to say that; not when she spoke the truth. Archer had been the true danger in her eyes, but now he was dead, which meant she need not fear being sniped from afar. Lancer wasn't keen on fighting her again after she'd driven them off. Berserker had yet to make a move and even if their master did, Rider was certain she could fight with that one on even footing. After all, she knew many ways to kill, yes~!

And then there was Saber, who curiously had yet to be summoned.

Such a pity! In another life, Quetz would have leaped at the chance to test herself against a proper legend. She yet might, if someone managed to summon that class. Ohhh, how she looked forward to that! Who would be called forth from the throne? The King of Knights? The Great Dragon Slayer? A God Off The Umbral Star? Or perhaps something grander still?

Maybe even...?

"No, no, no!" Quetzalcoatl giggled softly to herself, concealing a feral smile behind the palm of her hand. "Bad girl! I mustn't get excited before the main course!"

For now her interest lay left Caster and Assassin, both of whom had secluded themselves within the temple she was even now climbing toward. Best to deal with the squishy ones first, no?

Tan hands curled restlessly into fists at her sides as her walk morphed into a stalk, hips swaying with every step. Her grin was just the wrong shade of vicious. Yes, the longer she dwelt on it, the more she liked this idea of hers. Just a little fight. A quickie, if you will. Something to warm her blood and get her heart racing. She'd beat them into submission and enlist their aid. Surely Caster would know a way to help. It wouldn't be hard to get her aid, surely.

After all, a Caster was no match for a Rider, yes!

Assassin might pose a threat if she wasn't careful, but there were precious few in that class capable of harming her; much less defeating her in a fair fight. So long as that "thing" wasn't summoned, she was sure she could handle just about anything this war threw at her.

Reaching the halfway point, Quetzalcoatl paused and waited for an attack. None came.

That wouldn't do!

_"Hola~!"_ she flung her arms out into the night with a cheery grin._ "Buenas noches~!_ Is anyone home? I've come to play, yes~!

A distant whistle was her only warning as the night burned bright.

Quetzalcoatl looked toward the temple peak just in time to witness a mighty blast of wind and fire hurtling toward her face. Green eyes widened with barely concealed glee as a grin split her face. Well, well, well! Here was the fight she asked for and more!

"Mucho~!" she cried in delight!

Rather than try to evade the attack as any sane individual would, Rider braced her feet, thrust her arms forward and intercepted the Rasenshuriken with both hands. Pain flared through her mighty limbs for but a moment; then her fingers clamped down and snuffed the attack out like a windswept candle.

"Not bad, not bad at all!" she grinned, waving her now-smoking palms about. "But I'm afraid fire attacks won't work on me! Sorry about that!"

A knife flew at her from the shadows. She caught it between her teeth.

"Very nice~!" she plucked the weapon from her mouth and flung it back the abyss. "You're fast! I like that! Come and face me!"

A trio of smoke bombs detonated at her feet, bathing the night in a dark haze.

Some sixth sensed shrieked at her to duck. Wind swept over her head, opening a thin rent in her cheek to send a few golden strands of hair fluttering to the floor.

"Nice combination!" she grinned, even as she wrenched the two of them forward to slam their skulls together. "This big sister's getting all worked up!"

Much to her delight, they turned to smoke in her grasp.

"Yes, yes!" Rider cheered into the blinding haze they left behind. "That's more like it! Use your tricks and traps! Fight to your hearts content!"

She spied movement in the smoke behind her. Clever. Very clever. Not quite quick enough though. The duo closed on her again and she weaved backward, batting their blows aside with ease. Was it just her, or were they growing stronger? Their attacks had a weight to them that hadn't been there before, enough to force her on the

"But what a pity." she laughed at their hazy forms. "Defeating me with the powers of good is just a tiny bit difficult, yes! You may not act like it, but you're good kids!"

"Perhaps they are." a soft voice whispered in her ear. "How unfortunate for you then, that I am not."

_Thunk._

Quetz grunted in surprise as a knife brushed her back. Little more than a thin slice against her shoulders, the sudden pain alarmed her nonetheless. A third attacker?! She hadn't sensed them. But who_-Caster!_ She lashed out in a reflexive mule kick and collided with the woman's chest, launching her back up the stairs with a pained cry. She heard a satisfying crack as something broke. Good. She hoped it was her neck!

"Hey!"

"You'll pay for that!"

Unfortunately, attacking her only _enraged_ her allies.

Pain rocketed up Rider's face as a clawed hand tore through her guard and nearly took her eye. The blood threatened to blind her. Still she fought on, summoned her weapons to swat them aside, only to catch another claw across her lower torso before she could get her shield up in time. Even as she did so, the duo closed on her again, driving her back, striking at her from every side. Feral little things! This wasn't fun anymore. This _hurt,_ and she realized she'd been a fool to try and restrain herself. She'd need to finish them before Caster got up again.

One of them leaped onto her back and drove her face into the mud. Green eyes flashed.

_Enough._

A growl burst from her lips as she dropped her weapons and caught one by the face. A startled squawk found itself muffled against her palm, then muffled again as she slammed them into the ground. The other lunged at her and she snatched them out of the air with her free hand while simultaneously planting her boot on the smaller's one's chest. Quetzalcoatl reared back, prepared to crush their neck underfoot.

"Sorry, but playtime's over-

"That's quite enough out of you." A woman's voice called before she could finish them. "Cease this foolishness and_ kneel."_

Rider scoffed. "Now whyever would I want to do tha-hey?!"

Her muscles betrayed her.

Without warning her legs buckled and she found herself prostrated before her opponent. Incredulous, she tried to stand, but her body refused to obey. Any semblance of control had been stripped away from her, as surely as her strength. No matter how her will strained against it, the command held. She couldn't disobey. Rather, she wanted to her, but her body was held captive.

_'Well, this is unfortunate.'_ her mind balked._ 'I'm sorry, Sakura...seems I screwed things up yet again...'_

Slowly but surely the adrenaline faded, leaving her to clearly see hr attackers for the first time.

Caster stood before her, a twisted dagger clutched in her off hand, dripping with blood. The other peeled back her veil, exposing sharp eyes and triumphant smile.

Only then did Rider see the two youngsters flanking her.

A boy and a girl, standing side by side. Near matching outfits. Blue eyes and whiskered cheeks, tawny blond hair all. They might've been siblings. No, they certainly were! They looked too similar to be anything but. Could it be? Were they twins? Twins! Twins?! How...how...ADORABLE~! A brother and a sister! Twins, yes! A matching pair! Oh, she just wanted to squeeze them tight! Pity she couldn't move right now. She suspected that was about to be the least of her worries.

"Now then, what to do with you?" Medea's smile was the wrong shade of vicious. "You might be useful, but something tells me it would be best to kill you here and now."

"Maybe we should." the taller of the pair suggested. "She's too dangerous to be left alive, clearly. Better to just finish what we started. Easier that way."

What? Die here? Now? After seeing those adorable twins? No! Never! She'd thought Sakura was adorable -and she was!- enough in her own right, but these two took the cake and ate it! Now that they'd removed their cloaks and she'd finally gotten a good look at them, her maternal instinct reared its head.

"Ay! Stop, stop stop!" Quetzalcoatl cried emphatically! "Peace! I surrender! Do you hear me?! Big sister comes in peace! I'll serve you!"

Her guardians tilted their heads. "Why should we trust you?"

_"Because you're both adorable! Can I hug you?!"_

Naruto blinked. Naruko mirrored him.

Silence fell over the unlikely group.

"By the gods, this one's an idiot." Medea slapped a hand to her forehead with an audible smack. "What have I done to deserve this? Am I cursed? Am I doomed to attract suicidal fools and imbeclies?!"

"There, there." Naruto patted her arm.

"We feel your pain." Naruko commiserated sagely.

"I'm actually a goddess of Venus." Quetzalcoatl chirped less than helpfully. "So really, if you think about it, that's not the same thing...

"Oh?" Medea absolutely twitched. "A goddess you say? Well, that makes you even bigger idiot, then. An absolute idiot!"

The goddess frowned. "Sooo, does that mean you're going to let me work with you or not? Yes? No? Maybe so?"

"Enough!" Medea flung up her arms and stalked away. "I'm going to bed! Goodnight!"

Rider looked to the duo for confirmation. Only then did she dare a grin.

...that didn't sound like a no~!"

**A/N: Well that was a silly little chapter wasn't it? This strikes me as something our favorite lucha libre Rider would do.**

** Thought I forgot about Rule Breaker, did you? Thought I was favoring Sakura in this story, did you? **

**Nope.**

**Medea is best girl in this story. Sorry, not sorry.**

** Rule Breaker is an absolute bullshit of a weapon, and simply put, Quetz didn't know about it. If she did, she would've killed Medea first. Now she's been stripped away from Sakura and bound to obey Medea...so long as our resident witch holds onto those Command Spells.**

**And no, that dagger can't overpower Noble Phantasms. That much has been stated.**

**Duo!Naruto/Naruko are still a treat to write, even if this chapter wasn't written from their point of view.**

**Still no sign of Saber or Berserker. All part of the plan, I assure you. ****Now then, we're off to work once again, so the gang and I will be looking forward to your reviews when we get back.**

**So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...review, would you kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**For future chapters.**

**(Previews)**

_"BERSERKER! KILL THEM ALL!"_

* * *

_A beat of silence ran down the ruined temple steps._

_"Hmm? What's this? Yet another Archer?"_

_"Does he want to play with us?"_

_"Why, I believe he does~!"_

_"Insolent children...!_

* * *

_...target sighted. You will be eradicated."_

_"Not a chance, Saber~!"_

* * *

_Lancer sighed. "Nope. Just nope. Fuck this shit, I'm out..._

**R&R! =D**


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